Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

How dude HOW?!

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *