Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

This could’ve been an email.

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”