No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
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When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
mariah carrie
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.