No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
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What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?