Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

How all things should be taught/explained.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

*glances up from GameBoy*

SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?