No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?