Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

then why did i get this email

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents