Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.