No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
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Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
time for some seasonal decor
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Siri: Retweet me.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,