Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough