No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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OMG 🤣🤣
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.