Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

selfie game

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

We know he can swim but…

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

why am I working on Labor Day

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.