No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
This could be us… but you playing
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”