No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me too 😆
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Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
he chose this
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this is supposed to be an 18 year old
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we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.