“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.