“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep