“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line