“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it