Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

synchronized noseblowing

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now