No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
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rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
What number SPF blocks people?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.