Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*