No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
You Might Also Like
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
monday
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!