No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me when someone tries to get to know me