No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Perfect.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.