Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Lmfaoooooo

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.