“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“OMGJK” -atheists
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
