No way!
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I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
😂😂😂
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*Inspirational Tweets*
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot