No way!
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
