no way ðŸ˜
You Might Also Like
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
mowed â…“ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I’ve been lied to my entire life
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off