no way 😭
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’m not average. I’m mean.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.