no way 😭
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure