no way 😭
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Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Mountain Goat : )
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx