no way 😭
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!