no way đ
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You canât transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Mammals for $500 Alex
âSlow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eatingâ
What are sloths?
âWrong, What are coworkersâ
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOUâRE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: âhey what time do you want to eat dinner?â
Him: âI dunno, Iâm not picky. 6:30, 7?â
Me, *to myself* âdamn, thatâs specificâ
Me, into the phone, âYes, table for two for 6:37.â
Kylo Ren: I canât read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Breaking news:
This is so embarrassing, whatâs your name again?
â me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying âi think itâs so brave that youâre hereâ
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of âI got your noseâ
Still canât believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[first day as lawyer]
me: objâ
judge: âshut up noob
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
According to this frozen pizza box Iâm a family of 4
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, soâŠ
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
â« Taaaake onnn beeees âȘ
[Take on bees]
âȘ Taaaake beeeees onnn â«
[Take on bees]
Ooouch Iâm stuuuuung âȘ
Too many
Beeeeees â«
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THEREâS NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
angel: why did you change the name to âskunkâ?
God: I thought âstinky catâ gave away the surprise
SORTING HAT: this kidâs a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Whoever came up with âthe world is our oysterâ mustâve really been into mucus.