no way 😭
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Meanwhile in Canada…
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.