Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

lmaaaaaooooooooo

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.