no way 😭
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I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.