Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

ㅤ

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

That’s fair

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too