“No way.” -Jose
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Would you wear it?
Put a ring on it
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
🍂🕷️🍂
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.