“No way.” -Jose

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[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*


Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure


God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.


If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process


me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now


I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.


I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.


If what we are doing here is art, then my Tweets could be classified as kindergarten finger painting.


Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.


Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin