@CulturedRuffian

“No way.” -Jose

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@justokpanda

[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*

@stuartfiddle

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

@karanbirtinna

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

@brendohare

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

@ClichedOut

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

@theshantilly

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

@NippleAdam

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

@poppiesandcake

If what we are doing here is art, then my Tweets could be classified as kindergarten finger painting.

@AbbyHasIssues

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin