“No way.” -Jose
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit