“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
