“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”