no way 😭
You Might Also Like
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Just parrot things
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎