no way 😭
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
He a real one for that
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Just this preview of the story is enough
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*