Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

Challenge accepted.

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!