Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

Google reviews are always so mixed..

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

i was baptized in a car wash

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.