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‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Breaking news:
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
lmfao come on
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.