No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
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A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.