Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack