No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Twitter remains undefeated
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?