No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol