Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.