Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.