No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
You Might Also Like
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”