Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.