Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.