Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Beware of the “party goblin”…

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.