Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The glockness monster

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.