no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
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Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead