[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.