No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
You Might Also Like
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.