Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s commitment

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

“A little help here, Danny?”

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.