No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Still cracks me up
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.