No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Monday
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer