No. YOU-buprofen.
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Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.