No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
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@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
😂🍻
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me