“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
No, he would not have.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
old twitter is back baby
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?