“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
The best plant holders?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that