“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
you gotta be faster
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?