No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
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Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
