Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts