Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Just added something to my bucket list.

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.