Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Why I divorced her.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.