Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Every work meeting this week

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

Too easy.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.