Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

*jazz hands*

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!