Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

At least he brought enough for everyone

This pepper has seen some shit

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe