Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

My dog ate my work from home.

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

Bruh 😂

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

genius

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.