No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
You Might Also Like
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.