No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
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Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
