Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

Clients after you give them your rates

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

💀😭

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.