No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.