Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.