No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*